adjusting your sails

A rough draft of all that I'm feeling; maybe to be completed in the near future.



Years have been spent with bitterness toward relationships and love. And tonight a bit of freedom and peace has found me. You can spend an entire Saturday crying. And by Tuesday evening, you're full of Christ's strength. On Sunday, I kept repeating the words: "On Christ's solid rock, I will stand."

 I'm without a roommate for the first time in my life. But I don't feel alone. I feel like, as I sit here at my coffee table in my re-decorated apartment, I don't ever need to rely on the need to come home to someone. My King is here. His prescence is real, and He wants to be with me. Father. Friend. A King that provides for me in a way no person can. The one I know will pull me through anything, and love me at my weakest. He'll never walk away.

& I've had a breakthrough on this whole grace thing. Instead of beating myself up, digging a hole to feed on every bad feeling and negativity (like I did on Saturday), today I handed it over to God. And He carried it.

So after putting my heart on the line for a boy only to get it bruised, I can proudly proclaim I will be okay. I can conquer my greatest fear. I can risk relationships, and still find comfort if they fail. There is no shame in tears or anger. But I'm tossing it aside, along with my pride. I'm not going to deny that I care about someone even though he chose to walk away. I'm not going to act like I'm this great person who he missed out on, and hang on to a bruised ego.

More and more I'm convinced two people being together is a miracle. It's messy, difficult, probably irritating; but it's beautiful. I think of the love my parents share and I just can't have bitterness toward the idea of being in a relationship. Not anymore. It's okay if I never experience it (it being true love shared between two souls). But I'm so thankful to witness the beauty of it. & I pray I don't go back to fearing the possibility it.

Shake It Out

My mind is chaos as I struggle to finish one thought before moving to the next. Writing is difficult, and all else a chore. Work nights have been wasted on useless things, when there is much to be done. There are clothes to be washed, books to be read and an abundance to learn.

Here at the Owl Diary I spend most of the time writing about myself. For many reasons I despise  this. And I'm fully aware of the need to limit the word "I." But not tonight as I question how to define myself, or even the littlest bit of me. I often wonder if the words I string together are an accurate portrayl of who I  am.

On Being Human

"It's good though. Feeling like you don't always have to be the one who has it together."

Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. I'm overflowing with naive, emotional, girlish stupidly. For the past four years I've focused on building myself into who I believed I wanted to be. Indepenent. Strong. Creative. Intelligent (for the most part). Did you catch the part "who I want me to be." Not: Who God wants me to be. I've dissillusioned myself into believing I'm ahead of your average 23-year-old. [Pause. 23?! I'm getting old and time needs to just stop.] Oh, how wrong I've been.

Here's the part where my worst enemy enters into the scene: Me. I used to be a girl who gave 110 percent into every relationship. Partly because I was dependent on what people thought of me. That didn't work out so well. So I did a 180 and turned into a person who's afraid to be vulnerable. A person who has a wall miles high around her heart. Yet a person who's fairly optimistic and confident, content not showing too much of herself to the world. Or so I thought.

More Writing and More Honesty

As a believer in Christ, my greatest battle has always been taking the time to pick up my Bible and read God's word. Talking to God hasn't been the issue. It's listening. For the past few years I had been struggling with what to do with myself. Where should my focus be, what dreams should I be chasing, and how do I deal with all my faults and sins, both current and in the past?

Tired of not knowing what to do and sick of struggling, I'm finally trying. After work, I pack my Fossil bag with colored pens, Macbook, Bible, Moleskine and headphones. I drive to Starbucks where I spend a few hours reading, highlighting, noting in margins, writing, meditating, pausing, reflecting. Being still and listening. & Each day picks up where I left off the previous day. It's a continuous conversation with God. And I'm amazed at all He's teaching me.

Outdated Thoughts from Monday

To be honest there has been nothing special about my blog this year. I'm busier, less inspired and more tired-- usually posting enough to keep this thing somewhat alive. To my credit, this week has been a little better. But I miss this. Writing, or rather rambling, mindless thoughts. It’s therapy for me.

I’ve been thinking inwardly lately. Evaluating myself. Criticizing myself. Lifting myself up, and bringing myself down. Loving myself. Repeat. I’ve been wandering around the blogosphere a little bit more & reading the latest tweets, with reasons why our lives are significant in spurted 140-character sentences. Well, I’m far from perfect and that’s kinda where I’m at with life. A lot has changed in 365 days. A lot is consistently/constantly changing for me. But that’s life. & Here’s my tiny, insignificant truth:

I’m twenty-two. I live on the third floor of a two-bedroom apartment with my cousin, a Republican male obsessed with Nascar, Big Brother and spin class. He’s very mellow, says little, a friend and has more witty one-liners than Seth Cohen. Just don’t let him think that. He lives in his own world, believing he’s famous. No joke. Have you seen the orange juice commercial of the guy about to board a plane? That’s the life my cousin thinks he has. But I’m thankful to have family nearby. A few relationships- not family- are a little rocky lately. Both parties are at fault. Let’s just say I’m sick of feeling unloved, unappreciated and uncared for. But more than that, I’m sick of my attitude toward it all. Someone’s rude to you. GET OVER IT. It’s their problem they’re unkind. Don’t let it poison your thoughts and actions. Learn from my current mistakes. Because I’m struggling. Big time. & I’m clearly missing my doses of unconditional love from the parents, okay? Further and further into adulthood I go.

You're more lovely than you could ever imagine

Saturdays are for sleeping in.

Busy like a bee. Work. No free evenings. Forgetting to eat. Never enough coffee.

Tired and not as inspired.

A tad annoyed about silly things. My headphones help tune those out.

But I'm happy. I promise. Just a lack of free time.

No Valentine's Day dinner party this year. Next year, I hope.  Reallyyy hope.

Dreaming about decorating, designing, creating, inspiring, laughing, dancing.

Note to self: Crushes are a waste of time, silly girl. Remember?

This cold is holding on close. Still sneezing. It seems most are sick this week.

We'll talk soon. We have to. I miss you too much.

Rambling As Usual

Lately I've been sleeping the mornings away, with Slinky, my dog, curled up next to my knees while my toes desperately clench the end of floral blankets. They always have a knack for slipping out at the end, freezing and resulting in a sore throat. I blame my height. It's too comfy to leave stacks of blankets and pillows, but the clutter is getting to me. So I sit for a few minutes more, eyes closed, contemplating the day. No school or finals, no work-- that's getting to me too. I've temporarily lost focus on the little things that bring me joy: writing, designing, collaging, painting and all creative things. I suppose it's just a mini-break.

I miss my favorite five-year-old

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. How are such things even possible? Most things feel misplaced. Twinkling snowflakes hang from lampposts in the closest town. Nighttime begins at 5 p.m. The days in which it's not raining, there's an overcast. & Last Friday my nephew and my brother's girlfriend moved back to Arizona, & brother is soon to follow. Days are no longer the same without hearing my favorite person randomly say, "I love you, Kris" or "You're my best friend." & The exchange of jellyfish high-fives and shark handshakes has come to an end. {Inspired by this video at 5:46.} At least for now. ★

This is me at the moment, take it or leave it

I’m not a rockstar. I consider myself to have three accomplishments— 1. I’ve traveled outside the United States, 2. I paid my way through college thanks to graduating a year early in high school and receiving a full ride, 3. I finally left Arizona. Most of the time At times I view myself in a negative light, feeling as if at 21 years old I’ve failed. I don’t have a job. I live with my parents. I’m a dependent independent. If that makes any sense. I haven’t made the full transition to adulthood. Although God knows I’m trying. And while I write the word “trying” there lurks another word: failing.

I suppose that’s okay. I’m an individual trying to live her life to the best of her ability. I have my positives and negatives. I have awesome friends, granted they live across the country. I’m blessed. I’m spoiled. I get to sleep in on week days— one of the perks to those of us who are jobless. The feeling crappy about yourself and not being independent part, on the other hand, sucks.

I don’t go to glamourous parties. I don’t have a killer job. I’m not exactly a world traveler. (I’m a wannabe in that department.) I don’t have an awesome apartment in some rad city like New York. I live in a small town where the biggest thing is Walmart. The only thing getting me through my day is the promise that this too shall pass, when most days I feel like bunching my knees to my chest, closing my eyes and continuing to fear an unlived life.

Yet somehow I’m convinced it will all be okay.

My Indifference Toward Marriage

Anyone who truly knows me knows this: I don’t want to get married. None of them, on the other hand, really know why. Or if they do they should enlighten me because it’s something I’ve lately been trying to answer myself. I’m surrounded by many beautiful, successful marriages. So why wouldn’t I want the same the happiness of my parents and grandparents? Have I given up on love? Am I an extreme feminist who hates all men? Do I spend too much time reading statistics on how 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce? The answer to all the above-- No.

It’s not that simple, condensed or cut throat. Instead it’s a lengthy, drawn out mixture of reasons, beliefs and- to be honest- girlish stupidity. All of which led to 20-something me waking up one morning and declaring my indifference toward marriage.

the last film will be epic

I was in seventh grade when the first Harry Potter film came out. I can remember sitting in a dark theater with my cousin and parents. We were on the far side of theater, the second or third row back from the row where you can place your feet up on the bar- {do all theaters have this row? anyway...} My mother loved the film as much I did, whereas my cousin could care less about the wizarding world. After that I sat in study hall every day, reading as much as I could about the boy who lived. Several of my peers read it as well.

introducing my neighbor

Last night was spent at the theater watching Russell Crowe in yet another remake of Robin Hood- an okay film with nothing exceptionally wonderful about it. Saturday was my grad party, with everyone asking me about my plans. Now the balloons in my room have run out of helium, so they sit at their final resting place before being popped and thrown in the trash. A berry-colored one reading 'Congrats Grad!' is all that remains. It bounces back and forth as the fan produces gushes of wind. The curtains are drawn. It's been another morning where my nephew storms in, wakes me up and leaves my door open. Mother is speaking in her deep southern accent, the one that can only be heard when she's talking to family back in Tennessee. My aunt is on the other line, talking about brother. I haven't heard from him in three weeks, but that's always how it is.

dream wedding

I would love to find myself owning my own wedding planning business one day in Franklin, Tennessee. I'd like to specialize in fairy tale weddings. I'd have an old royal blue truck with three pink vintage roses painted on the hood. On the side of the door would read "Krissie Kait Weddings" or something or other. My bloodhound would be my best friend. Free time would be spent antique shopping, always keeping an eye out for inspiration, and canoeing on the creek near my uncles house. Life would be lovely.

oy vey

This picture describes how I've been feeling all year.
I've received two blog awards. One is from See Hear Say and the other is a "Love Your Blog" award from Fluer-de-Lis. Thank you both so much! You should all go follow these two blogs- both are absolutely fantastic. Also, I promise to comment all you wonderful readers very soon. I currently have so much I need to get done. And on a somewhat random note, I'm still battling what to do after I graduate. Should I stay or move to Tennessee? I hate not knowing what I should do. Any advice? ★

so little time

click photos for credit

This week has been exhausting, so I'm thankful to have these few hours to relax this morning while listening to John Mayer. My friend from Nashville, otherwise known as my soon-to-be roomie, has arrived in Arizona. She will be staying with me until Tuesday, when she then has to jet back to Tennessee. She's never been here before, so I'm excited to show her around. I have a few things planned but none for today, except a dinner with my friend from Florida. He moved from here to there about six years ago, and I haven't seen him since. The only downside of this weekend is the incompletion of homework. As much as I tried, it wasn't completed last night. Sometimes there simply aren't enough hours in the day. I'm leaving you with these photos, which were my favorites on Tumblr this week, though the first photograph is mine. Have a splendid weekend. ★

P.S. Tell me about your week or your plans for the weekend. And I sincerely want to thank all of you who continue to read my little blog and weekly ramblings. I'm thankful to have gained sixty followers over the past two months and I'm blessed to have met wonderful blogger friends. Happy weekend to you all.

today was a fairytale

as always, click pictures for credit

I'm usually girlishly excited about this time of the year. My world turns pink in February. Days are spent with too many trips to Target, swooning over heart-shaped decor and kitchenware. Nights are spent eating too much Dove chocolate and reading the tiny sayings written on the inside of the foil wrapper. Chick flicks play in the background as I drift to sleep. [Speaking of, what's your favorite chick flick?]

But I've been busy. Exhausted. In desperate need of one of two things: caffeine or a nap. I have a test, quiz, paper, memo and a lab waiting to be completed, and other random bits of homework. And then there is tomorrow: my dinner party. I need to go grocery shopping stat. My eyes are drooping at the mere thought. "Take a nap!" I think I will. But this entry is serving as a pause button- where just for a moment I can appreciate the girlishness of the holiday. So this is my pink, girlish post- as far as pictures are concerned. Have a splendid Valentine's Day. What are your plans? ★

[Please note: I do not find Valentine's Day depressing. At all. Because I am 100 percent turned off at the idea of being in a relationship at the moment. And I think the holiday- for me- is about embracing who you are and appreciating yourself. Loving yourself. You don't need a guy to tell you that you're special. You're already special! Just FYI to those who are single. In my opinion. For further explanation, you can read this blog entry from a few months ago. Or this entry.]

P.S. This Valentine is for you. Yes, you. Save it. Post it. Pass it along to your followers. Ignore it. Whatever- it's yours. xx

ramblings on my weekend

click photos for credit

I want to be done with school. I'm experiencing senioritis. I wish I could just intern all week instead of school. I learn more there. I just finished watching the Super Bowl. I'm happy the Saints won. Although I wouldn't have minded either outcome. Science is my least favorite subject and I feel I'm falling behind already. I bought a white rabbit plush doll from the Disney store yesterday. He's my favorite character. Friday was World Nutella Day. I had Nutella crepes at Village Inn. It was delicious. The night ended with Gwenie and I watching Baby Mama.

I have a tumblr where I post Jonas Brothers stuff, which I hate to admit. But I met a girl that went to the same Jonas concert as my friend and I. We met her yesterday for dinner and a movie. I have a new friend. All because of Tumblr. Isn't that pretty cool? I think so. We saw Dear John. I was a bit disappointed. I loved the book and prefer it. But I shall always heart Channing Tatum. He was a perfect John.

The boy who works at the Starbucks near my house looks, and sounds, like Zac Efron. Every time I order my usual mocha I have the instant desire to go home and watch 17 Again. I was sick this past Thursday. But I'm feeling better. Minus a small stomachache from eating too much. Watching the Google commercial tonight made me wish I was in Paris. I want to travel. So badly. I wish I were in Tennessee right now. Even if I'm uncertain where I'll be working.

I have so much on my mind lately. All I can do is ramble. I'm sorry. I have a Valentine's Day dinner party coming up on Friday. It will be my fourth year having one. I've done zero planning, which is very unlike me. But I'll get it done. Here's my playlist I put together for the holiday: click me. Back to homework. Oh and I have 60 followers. I love you all. Truly, truly. Goodnight. ★

♫ Their words mostly noises, ghosts with just voices.

Your words in my memory are like music to me. ♫

I dream in color

click each photo for source

I awake, forgetting where I am. It took me a second to realize it was Monday. It's 6 o'clock and I can hear my cellphone alarm singing "You Belong With Me." I curl my toes underneath the sheets, trying to stay warm and wanting to drift asleep for five minutes longer. But I know if I do, I will fall into a deep sleep and miss my first class. I wish it was Saturday. The weekends fly by, while one class can seem to last a lifetime. There's no time for coffee. No time for breakfast. And the dollars I had for a vending machine were spent on parking. A walk to Starbucks is the solution.

Now I sit here and I wonder, "Is this what I want to do with my life?" I'm a senior. It's my last semester. And my biggest fear is a cubicle. Rows and rows of endless gray and white. I hope my career is full of color. The brightest of bright. Pink, blue, purple, yellow, green. Not gray. Not navy. Not black and white. No, full of beautiful, inspirational color. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had switched my major to graphic design. I nearly did the beginning of my sophomore year. I suppose it wasn't meant to be. And for now I'm here- at a computer, in a cubicle, with a gray wall in front of me. Three more months, I tell myself. Three more months. ★

P.S. I was recently interviewed by the wonderful Pretty Wonderland, which you can read here. She truly is a sweetheart. Leave her lovely comments! & I also forgot to mention that the lovely Danica of A Sight To Be Seen also interviewed me, and you can read that here. Leave her lovely comments as well!

Also, I now have a Formspring, so feel free to ask me questions. xx

let the rain fall down and wake my dreams

click photos for credit
Oh, what a week. My three day weekend has officially begun. School on Monday and Wednesday. Internship on Tuesday and Thursday. And now I'm waiting to see Avatar in 3D Imax. I'm excited, since it will be my first time seeing a movie in 3D and Imax. Plus, this movie is visually stunning.

While I wait the sky outside is going crazy. I half expect Dorothy's house to blow down on us all at any second. Dust is flying everywhere outside my window. Trees are trying to run scared. A tornado warning. In Arizona, tornadoes just don't exist. Period. Crazy weather, indeed. The sky is brown and people are driving slow on the streets. Slower than slow in fact. Because everyone knows in Arizona, people don't know how to drive in the rain. It's true.

Well this week, school was... school. I discovered I have four presentations this semester. Joy. I hate presentations. I'm one of those people. And I haven't been feeling as confident as usual. I really need to snap out of it. Pray for me? And don't you dread having to introduce yourself to a class? I do. One professor asked my first class, which has a total of seven people (all girls), random questions. Mine were:

A: The small details. [Teacher: Why?] Because the devil is in the details and if you miss the small details, I believe you ultimately miss the big picture.

I'm not really sure if it was an intelligent answer, but it was 8:35 in the morning. And I had slept in all break long. It was early, what can I say. Next question...

A: *Paused and thought for about a minute.* No. Way to go, Debbie Downer. [Teacher: Why?] "Okay, that was a dumb answer, of course I'm lucky. I'm not living in Haiti, for goodness sakes," I thought. So I continued... Well yes, I'm lucky to be where I am and things could be a lot worse.

I immediately wanted to slap myself in the face. Could you be more dumb, Krissie? Of course you're lucky! You have clean drinking water. A roof over your head. Healthy. In college, with a scholarship, so you're education is paid for. Both parents are still alive. Duh! You are lucky. ★

Anyway, how would you have answered the questions? I'm sure your responses are much more intelligent than mine. Happy weekend!

na, na, na, sheets of Egyptian cotton

Pretty movies such as this. Gingerbread cocoa that makes me say “mmm” after every sip. I received a cocoa box for Christmas and it holds a dozen yummy flavors. Bubble baths of strawberry soap that smells of Lipsmackers chapstick. Listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack, the Lumos! song specifically, while writing- you’d never know how inspiring it can be. I imagine I'm in a magical land far, far away. Rediscovering books I read as a child, such as 100 Dresses, From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler and The Boxcar Children. Band of Brothers marathons, no matter how much it may make me cry. Finding (and purchasing) vinyl records at antique stores to add to my collection. I only wish I'd had the Dean Martin Christmas collection a few weeks earlier. Madre’s freshly made salsa dressing with homemade tamales. Knowing school doesn't start until the 19th, though I know it will be here sooner than soon. These are just a few of my favorite things at the moment. ★