Monday, October 18, 2010

This is me at the moment, take it or leave it

deer crossing

I’m not a rockstar. I consider myself to have three accomplishments— 1. I’ve traveled outside the United States, 2. I paid my way through college thanks to graduating a year early in high school and receiving a full ride, 3. I finally left Arizona. Most of the time At times I view myself in a negative light, feeling as if at 21 years old I’ve failed. I don’t have a job. I live with my parents. I’m a dependent independent. If that makes any sense. I haven’t made the full transition to adulthood. Although God knows I’m trying. And while I write the word “trying” there lurks another word: failing.

I suppose that’s okay. I’m an individual trying to live her life to the best of her ability. I have my positives and negatives. I have awesome friends, granted they live across the country. I’m blessed. I’m spoiled. I get to sleep in on week days— one of the perks to those of us who are jobless. The feeling crappy about yourself and not being independent part, on the other hand, sucks.

I don’t go to glamourous parties. I don’t have a killer job. I’m not exactly a world traveler. (I’m a wannabe in that department.) I don’t have an awesome apartment in some rad city like New York. I live in a small town where the biggest thing is Walmart. The only thing getting me through my day is the promise that this too shall pass, when most days I feel like bunching my knees to my chest, closing my eyes and continuing to fear an unlived life.

Yet somehow I’m convinced it will all be okay.


  1. Beautifully said Kristyna. And I agree

  2. Wow. This post is amazing, I feel like I could have written it. Knowing there are others in the same boat is actually an immense comfort to me, so thank you.

  3. I just want to say that you inspire me. Truly you do. Being a senior in college and looking ahead to the future that is graduation, I have no idea of what I'm going to do. I have all these plans, but yet I'm afraid that some of them just won't be accepted by my family and friends. I really needed this.

    PS. you're definitely my favorite blogger. i feel like i relate to you so much. i just want to sit down and chat with you about life and dreams. i hope that's not creepy... :)

    PPS. way to get a full-ride! that's awesome! :)

  4. wow. Thanks for pouring it out nice and blunt love. I really relate to this. I'm 21 and still barely in reach of my B.A. I think it something to be very proud of that you got through college already and on a full ride at that! Wow. did not know that about you.

    I just went through three weeks of feeling unworthy and wanting to just run away from school and to go run away to a new country and like EVANGELIZE or do something that was EXTREMELY BIBLICAL because my excuse was "IM NOT LAZY THIS JUST ISN'T GODS WILL!!" lol WRONG. God has me uncomfortable and exactly where I need to be. He uses all things for his good purpose so who am I to say what he is and isn't using in my life.

    Sorry.. My point was to encourage you to just keep on keeping on with your walk with Jesus and look for him in each moment of your days on this earth and SEE what he is trying to show you whether it be about yourself or the world around you :). I love you very much and I pray I am one of those friends that lives cross-country because sadly I feel like one... LoL.. I really enjoyed this read. I am glad I am not the only one who is feeling like an unaccomplished, old 21 year old around these states :). lol


  5. well, I can't even tell how much I see myself in this post...
    sending you lots of positive thoughts :)

  6. Aww Kristyna! I can totally relate to what you're saying, & I think a lot of people can. Know that others are dealing with the same kinds of fears and worries, and that you're definitely not alone. You're so inspiring though, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know it will all work out for all of us <3

  7. hai, thought I'd leave you a comment and tell you how much I enjoy your blog :3

  8. Nam, I'm right there with you. I keep telling myself that I'm trying to make things better, and every step I take is a step in the right direction....but I can't help thinking that I'm sorta kinda failing, and I'll be stuck in my studio apartment in West Mesa with a temperamental cat all my life.

    But you're right. This too shall pass.

  9. You are beautiful, you're doing just fine, and you ARE ok.

    I adore your blog! :)

  10. i think that post is so... i don´t even know how to call it! beautiful? amazing? because sometimes i feel exactly the same like you!
    but i hope that things will change for you into a positive way! ♥

    sending you lots of ♥ and wishes...
    pink lady

  11. Inspiring, insightful and thought provoking. Thanks for sharing. I think you're going to be just fine!

  12. I've been feeling the same way lately! I do have a future laid out for me but sometimes i wonder if it's my parents dream for me more than my own. I don't have an amazing job or apartment or boyfriend/husband. the world is a lonely place and it helps to vent about it sometimes.(eg. the distance and inaccessability of friends.) but maybe God is giving you this time for you to get close to your family and Him and relax! we, as humans, love to be productive because we find satisfaction in accomplishing goals and overcoming challenges and when there are none, we can sometimes lose motivation, passion, and enthusiasm for life without realizing it. i think you're doing awesome with your blog and just recently moving! i always enjoy reading your blog! you remind me of me from an outside perspective!


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