A rough draft of all that I'm feeling; maybe to be completed in the near future.
Years have been spent with bitterness toward relationships and love. And tonight a bit of freedom and peace has found me. You can spend an entire Saturday crying. And by Tuesday evening, you're full of Christ's strength. On Sunday, I kept repeating the words: "On Christ's solid rock, I will stand."
I'm without a roommate for the first time in my life. But I don't feel alone. I feel like, as I sit here at my coffee table in my re-decorated apartment, I don't ever need to rely on the need to come home to someone. My King is here. His prescence is real, and He wants to be with me. Father. Friend. A King that provides for me in a way no person can. The one I know will pull me through anything, and love me at my weakest. He'll never walk away.
& I've had a breakthrough on this whole grace thing. Instead of beating myself up, digging a hole to feed on every bad feeling and negativity (like I did on Saturday), today I handed it over to God. And He carried it.
So after putting my heart on the line for a boy only to get it bruised, I can proudly proclaim I will be okay. I can conquer my greatest fear. I can risk relationships, and still find comfort if they fail.
There is no shame in tears or anger. But I'm tossing it aside, along with my pride. I'm not going to deny that I care about someone even though he chose to walk away. I'm not going to act like I'm this great person who he missed out on, and hang on to a bruised ego.
More and more I'm convinced two people being together is a miracle. It's messy, difficult, probably irritating; but it's beautiful. I think of the love my parents share and I just can't have bitterness toward the idea of being in a relationship. Not anymore. It's okay if I never experience it (it being true love shared between two souls). But I'm so thankful to witness the beauty of it. & I pray I don't go back to fearing the possibility it.