"It's good though. Feeling like you don't always have to be the one who has it together."
Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. I'm overflowing with naive, emotional, girlish stupidly. For the past four years I've focused on building myself into who I believed I wanted to be. Indepenent. Strong. Creative. Intelligent (for the most part). Did you catch the part "who I want me to be." Not: Who God wants me to be. I've dissillusioned myself into believing I'm ahead of your average 23-year-old. [Pause. 23?! I'm getting old and time needs to just stop.] Oh, how wrong I've been.
Here's the part where my worst enemy enters into the scene: Me. I used to be a girl who gave 110 percent into every relationship. Partly because I was dependent on what people thought of me. That didn't work out so well. So I did a 180 and turned into a person who's afraid to be vulnerable. A person who has a wall miles high around her heart. Yet a person who's fairly optimistic and confident, content not showing too much of herself to the world. Or so I thought.
I'm reminded of an Oswald Chamber's daily devotional from March: "Both God and Satan use the strategy of elevation, but Satan uses it in temptation, and the effect is quite different. When the devil elevates you to a certain place, he causes you to fasten your idea of what holiness is far beyond what flesh and blood could ever bear or achieve. Your life becomes a spiritual acrobatic performance high atop a steeple. You cling to it, trying to maintain your balance and daring not to move. But when God elevates you by His grace into heavenly places, you find a vast plateau where you can move about with ease."
Let's just say I've fallen from my steeple. I'm the biggest contradiction. I know that we all fall short of the glory of God, yet I beat myself up every time I make a mistake. I am fully aware of the choices I make. I know when I go against who God wants for me. Yet I do it anyway. & I tear myself down in every way possible when I do. I'm still beating myself up over sins I committed four years ago. Yet the angel on my shoulder is telling me to be at peace. Let go of everything, hand it to God who has paid the price for it all. Why are you carrying it around when He said it is finished?
For the past week I've logged into Facebook and felt downright disgusted. I have so many bright, Christian friends whose every status update seems to be speaking to me. The latest being, "Man if only the extent of life's difficulties were broken relationships... what a lie mainstream music." So desperately do I want to be a girl who's whole heart is fully consumed in her King. To be so deeply in love with God that I won't get sidetracked.
Reality: I am an imperfect, flawful human being. I'm a girl who's passionate about her feelings, and lets it consume every vein and thought-- good and bad.
So here's the short version of what's going on. I edited down three paragraphs, thinking it wise to keep details to myself.
Let's just say, I haven't had a crush since George W. Bush was in office. That's four years, people. FOUR YEARS. And I'd believed I'd come miles from the girl I was in my last relationship. Let's just say, I've discovered that I haven't come as far as I once thought. And instead of beating myself up about it, I need to accept that I, Kristyna, am not perfect. I've handled a recent situation ridiculously, expecting too much from people and myself. When the cold, hard reality is we all fall short. Emphasize on: I FALL SHORT.[Note: I apologize if this is completely vague, because if you've read this blog long enough, you know that isn't me. Anyway…]
I don't know why I'm bringing this up or why I write about half the things I do on here. I guess it's my way of letting my thoughts be released, instead of eating away at me. So, reader, this is a snip at what I'm going through. This is me genuinely laughing at myself, shaking my head and accepting that this is where I'm at-- battling with the way I see myself and what people think of me. That I still wrestle with silly things when I know my focus should simply be on Christ. Because He brings freedom and peace. He lets me dance in His truth and accept my flaws as flaws. Grace is a gift, and I can never, will never earn it.
Please just tell me I'm not the only out there who acts pathetic at times? And if you're in a similar boat, let's talk. Maybe we can figure out why us girls can be so silly.
Note: The beginning quote is from my friend, Michal, who is truly a gift from God.