Outdated Thoughts from Monday

To be honest there has been nothing special about my blog this year. I'm busier, less inspired and more tired-- usually posting enough to keep this thing somewhat alive. To my credit, this week has been a little better. But I miss this. Writing, or rather rambling, mindless thoughts. It’s therapy for me.

I’ve been thinking inwardly lately. Evaluating myself. Criticizing myself. Lifting myself up, and bringing myself down. Loving myself. Repeat. I’ve been wandering around the blogosphere a little bit more & reading the latest tweets, with reasons why our lives are significant in spurted 140-character sentences. Well, I’m far from perfect and that’s kinda where I’m at with life. A lot has changed in 365 days. A lot is consistently/constantly changing for me. But that’s life. & Here’s my tiny, insignificant truth:

I’m twenty-two. I live on the third floor of a two-bedroom apartment with my cousin, a Republican male obsessed with Nascar, Big Brother and spin class. He’s very mellow, says little, a friend and has more witty one-liners than Seth Cohen. Just don’t let him think that. He lives in his own world, believing he’s famous. No joke. Have you seen the orange juice commercial of the guy about to board a plane? That’s the life my cousin thinks he has. But I’m thankful to have family nearby. A few relationships- not family- are a little rocky lately. Both parties are at fault. Let’s just say I’m sick of feeling unloved, unappreciated and uncared for. But more than that, I’m sick of my attitude toward it all. Someone’s rude to you. GET OVER IT. It’s their problem they’re unkind. Don’t let it poison your thoughts and actions. Learn from my current mistakes. Because I’m struggling. Big time. & I’m clearly missing my doses of unconditional love from the parents, okay? Further and further into adulthood I go.

But puppy dog kisses, Brazilian coffee, genuine kindness, coffee shop escapes and dancing + cleaning around the apartment at 10 o’clock pee-em to Raise Your Glass by Pink when the roomie is outta town can cure all that. At least temporarily. So all this inner reflection has me wondering about life, long term. My life can currently be summed up in one word: routine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful- GRATEFUL!- for my routine. Home? Check. Food? Check. Job? Car? Double check. But I miss being a the girl who dreamt of a life of travel, writing, photo taking, live music listening, laughing, road trips, smiling, smiling, smiling. But when I think about it, is that really what I want? What do I want? From life-- or more, what does life want from me? What will I contribute? What am I contributing? If nothing, then why not? Why is the answer to everything in life tomorrow. Note to self: tomorrow sucks. Living in the moment should be the new fad.

I’m constantly thinking of all the things I want to start doing. The mindset I want to start having. I’ve seen my true potential. I know what she looks like. She’s awesome. The best friend anyone could ask for. Someone who genuinely loves the world and the people in it. One who speaks with wisdom. Never forgets, always forgives. Has the confidence of a true daughter living in the light of God. Speaking clearly, studying always. She’s beautiful. So why am I not living out my true potential? Why am I not being the person I was created to be and living the life Christ created for me? Why-oh-why I ask? The answer: tomorrow. I’ll say it again, tomorrow sucks. Today is greatness. This moment. I’m better than this.

& while all these thoughts are endless, my mind is wandering to the wind outside. & I'm putting my laptop to a close to leave Starbucks. Self, I’m disappointed in you. Don’t give up on all this, mmk?