Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Indifference Toward Marriage

Anyone who truly knows me knows this: I don’t want to get married. None of them, on the other hand, really know why. Or if they do they should enlighten me because it’s something I’ve lately been trying to answer myself. I’m surrounded by many beautiful, successful marriages. So why wouldn’t I want the same the happiness of my parents and grandparents? Have I given up on love? Am I an extreme feminist who hates all men? Do I spend too much time reading statistics on how 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce? The answer to all the above-- No.

It’s not that simple, condensed or cut throat. Instead it’s a lengthy, drawn out mixture of reasons, beliefs and- to be honest- girlish stupidity. All of which led to 20-something me waking up one morning and declaring my indifference toward marriage.

The reason this is a drawn out mixture of things is because I can never keep a long story short. I’m too much like my mother. I ramble. I share more information than people care to know. While my mother talks this way, I write this way-- at least when it comes to this blog. I feel the need to write, "Warning: Excessive rambling. Read at your own risk." before every entry. Everything else I keep short and straightforward. That’s what journalism majors are supposed to do. But here I break the rules. So before I get any more off topic, let’s see if we can both get through this next bit of rambling. Shall we?

The obvious choice: My past. Enter sixteen-year-old me. I was a senior in high school who believed I didn’t want to date until after graduation. Boys were immature and I had more important things to focus on, like remaining a good little girl and graduating a year early. Like most girls who haven’t been in a relationship, my viewpoints of dating were shaped by my fellow peers, chick flicks and TV drama. None of which are reliable sources. I was naive + I was stupid. Just like everything else in life-- we rarely know what we’re talking about until we find ourselves in that situation, whatever it may be.

So here’s the overview: I met a boy. I fell in love with said boy. This boy lusted after another girl who became a serious problem. Throw in verbal, emotional and a pinch of physical abuse. Before we get overly dramatic, like both my brother and mother have done in the past, I was never beaten. Nevertheless I had several bruises during this relationship from where this boy would grab my arm or wrist and refused to let me leave. So I broke up with this boy and regrettably we were together again a month later. The abuse continued and the other girl was still a part of the picture. Like an idiot I stayed in the relationship another six months until I received a wake up call-- my grandmother died. I came home from her funeral in Tennessee with the realization that I didn’t want to be like her and experience one bad relationship after another. So I ended it.

Now somewhere in that little overview, my heart was broken. I’d given my heart to a boy I thought I could trust. In a dramatic, yet realistic sense a part of me had died. As a naive girl I’d unconditionally loved this boy. I spent a winter vacation after our first split sleeping on the couch, crying in Bella-nightmare-like hysterics while my mother combed her fingers through my hair night after night + calmed my question to, “Why didn’t he love me?” It’s a tragic tale that’s all too common. It’s the continuing story of another heart not handled with care, from both parties. A story sometimes viewed insignificant, with the belief that teenagers can only experience adolescent love, as if their hearts don’t have the capacity to love as deeply as adults. When really isn’t it the other way around? We become so hardened over time with such experiences that we don’t dare to love as freely as we once did. We take more precautions. Sometimes being too cautious. Or at least, that’s my story.

From that first relationship I learned this: 1. There’s a reason God said, “Guard your heart for it’s the wellspring of life.” 2. I don’t trust my taste in men. 3. I refuse to let history be repeated.

So what did I do? I dated a guy completely opposite of the first... five months later. He was a nice guy, by all means, but my respect for him was zero. He was in his early twenties, didn’t have a car and never held a job in his life. We dated for about six months. I never loved him and as far as I know he never loved me. In the time we were together I had issues. For one, I had trust issues. Second I was still dealing with a broken heart. My annoyance with myself carried into an annoyance of him, so I ended it. It was a relationship that, for a very long time, I regretted. It was a rebound. It was pointless. And it was unfair to him. I had issues that I didn’t understand. While on a smaller level, they’re issues that I still don’t completely understand.

Somewhere in those two relationships I’m sure are hidden several reasons why eternal singleness sounds pretty darn good. But I think reason #1 can be pretty much summed up in: I have trust issues with men... at least when it comes to matters of the heart.

I’m still learning-- about life, about who I am and who I’m meant to be. I crave travel. + I’m convinced my mentality of marriage is a good thing for a gal in her twenties. Well not every gal necessarily, but this gal. It’s allowing me to focus on my journey, whatever that entails.

This belief is the big one-- God. + Its’ a sure sign that I haven’t given up on love. Why? Because I’m head over heels in love with Jesus. + I’ve been in a deep, romantic relationship with My King since I was fifteen years old. Before I go any further, I want to say that the intention of this post is not to preach or to convince you of anything. I’m here to say I’m a girl who believes, whether you do or not, that there is a God that I can trust with my heart. There is a God who loves me so deeply that it was worth His death on a cross. & No matter how imperfect I am, His love is unfailingly perfect.

Our relationship has been full of its ups and downs. God knows I’ve had trust issues, with Him especially. For quite some time I built my confidence in past relationships and how I was viewed by men. That confidence was destroyed and left me in a very dark place. A place I didn’t believe, or trust, I could be pulled out of. And if I was going to make it out, heck-- I was going to do it on my own. So in many ways I turned my back on God while He patiently waited by my side. Over a year and a half process I slowly learned how to trust God again and in His beautiful, mysterious ways He brought me out of darkness.

His perfect love is the most real thing I know. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know there is a God who loves me unconditionally. There is a God who will never leave my side no matter what I say or do. There is a God who thinks I’m beautiful. There is a God who calls me daughter, friend and a princess. I am loved unconditionally by the Creator of the Universe. & Heck, that’s good enough for me.

So that leads to this: While I say I do not want to get married, I’m not naive enough to not know that God sometimes has other plans for my life. That sometimes- most of the time- okay, all the time-- His plans are better than my own. So I may or may not get married one day. I’m content with not knowing. I’m content if I stay single. & I’m not stupid enough to think this is how I’ll always feel about marriage. This is simply my thoughts right now, as a 20-something trying to make her way in the world.

Even if I wanted to get married, I’d still say: God help the man who would be stuck with me for the rest of his life. Amen.


So let me sum this up before I forget whey I even decided to write about this topic in the first place. Oh yeah, I wanted to figure out why I don’t want to get married. I’m already questioning whether or not to post this because quite frankly I think I come across as a lunatic at least half the time in my writing. Bless you for putting up with me, reader. You’re a doll.

Let's just say everyone has an icky past. There are things we aren’t happy about, things we sometimes regret. But those are usually the things and the moments that shape our character. They’re the things that make us strong and help us grow. My past just so happens to have shaped me into a person who is indifferent toward marriage. & That’s okay. Maybe marriage isn’t for everyone. & if that’s the case, why spend my time trying to find the right guy? I’d rather put my energy into the things I love-- like travel, writing, my relationship with Christ, my friends, my family and so on. Since I was a young girl my grandfather used to tell me all I needed to do in life was to marry a rich man. I would always respond along the lines of, "Why can't I support myself instead?"

If writing this post has taught me anything it’s that my mentality toward marriage is not a bad thing. + That there could be more reasons why I don't want to get married that I don't even know about. That's all a part of this journey of discovering who I am. Sure I may still have a few issues-- who doesn’t? Sure I don’t trust a guy with my heart, but I trust God with my heart. And if marriage somehow is written in the stars for me, He’ll take care of it. + That’s good enough for me.

Feel free to share your thoughts on marriage, reader.


  1. i think the problem is that we all are supposed to do some things no matter if we really want to do them or not. if you don't want to, then you are the strange one. i can't understand it

  2. I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to marry, and as long as you're happy I say do whatever you want and tell everyone who thinks otherwise to knock it off. Of course, in your nice-Nam-way, not the Caitie-who-swears-like-a-Somali-pirate-way. Arr! :)

    Maybe things will change down the road, and maybe not, but as long as you do what feels right for you and for your family then when it's all said and done, you've lived the best life possible with no regrets.

    In closing, I miss you terribly.

  3. i love your honesty. i love it. it's so refreshing. first, thank you for sharing your heart with us. that's never an easy thing to do, and you did it beautifully and sincerely. second, in many ways, i totally understand where you're coming from. while i want to get married someday (in the distant, VERY far off future ;)), i completely get the trust issues. i have huge, huge, huge problems with trusting people. especially with boys who could potentially be something more than a friend. (oddly enough, i trust my guy friends, who i would never have relationships with, more than most of my girlfriends. huh? yeah, my trust issues are all over the place ;)) i've been hurt quite a few times, like you, and it affected me deeply. very, very deeply. and i know one day i'll get through it, and move past it... but i'm not there, yet. i'm just not. and that's okay. i don't need a boyfriend or a serious relationship, and even seeing most of my college friends getting married, i've realized that i am no where near ready for something that serious. and i'm totally fine with that! god has a plan for each and every one of us, and all of those plans are different. some people are supposed to get married young, some get married when they're much older, and some aren't supposed to get married. all of these things, are wonderful. god uses us in different ways, and that's beautiful. you're listening to you heart... obviously god is telling you something, and you're listening. and that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

    maybe you'll end up getting married someday. maybe you won't. but as long as you're happy, and as long as you're listening to what god's telling you, you're on the right track. i'm sick of society telling us that if we're not married by a certain age, or if we don't get married at all, we're weird and pathetic. that's completely wrong. you do what you feel is right, and i applaude you for that, dear. i really do.

    long comment over. ;) oh, and by the way... you're not strange. at all. what in the world.

    xo <3

  4. Oh, I second everything kelly ann has said. And you're a wonderful writer. I think it takes a lot of courage to open up like that, thank you for sharing it <3

  5. sharing more than others care to know *Raises hand*! lol just like my mother *raises hand* PROFESSIONAL RAMBLER *raises hand*

    I really enjoy reading your lengthy reads. i am a reader and when someone gives me all the facts and details I feel so connected to what is being said that it excites me! plus I do the same thing only my computer is annoying and lags so I tend to just type whatever I can before I throw the thing. lol

    reason #1 was also my reason in highschool. my ex was my first and he came a year after graduation. I thought i was a pro after having lived vicariously through the relationships and breakups of friends. BOY WAS I WRONG. I knew more than some but Not ENOUGh. The good thing about that relationship is A) it lead me to christ B) i learned a SIGNIFICANT amount about myself and who I am.

    One of the biggest struggles in the ex and my relationship was TRUST. I did not trust him. Sadly the reason I was able to really let go was because I found out he had lied about smoking weed. He had lied to me and told someone to not tell me as well. He lied and actually tried to use the "i was so scared to tell you thing" When in fact we were already "BROKEN UP" but he wasn't ready to date me. So he lied because he didn't want to lose someone he was already broken up with and didn't want to get back together with?? Ugh.

    Anywho I do know God has a trustworthy man in store for me. And that was not _______. Sadly I wanted it to be but it wasn't. HE lied. Sorry. I keep typing he lied. lol LIE LIE LIE. God did open my heart to trusting another man. But he told me to trust him first and that is what my most recent path has been about since the cutoff. ANd I am STILL struggling with that girl...

    A lot of my worth was invested into that relationship mentally. He wasn't a model but he was very attractive. And oddly enough he thought I was beautiful and told me so frequently and pretty genuinely. However, when I let go I lost a BIT of what I had come to believe in myself through his love. That I was worthy and BEAUTIFUL. God has redeemed me with his blood and although I know I am beautiful and more precious than stone to him I am still accepting that as a TRUTH. I know it but I don't believe it FULLY yet. I've only been a believer for a little less than a year so I'm not trying to fly before wings or anything that just is where I am. I love that you know and believe what God says you are. It is so inspirational and you are even more beautiful because of it :)!

    oddly enough I am on fire at the thought of someone wanting to marry me?? I was anti marriage growing up and up until the last 6 months of my relationship with ex I was pretty sure I wanted to just date and be a beautiful single woman my whole life. Then God planted this sick seed of love and romance and hope and marriage into my heart. It bugs me because I get almost teary eyed thinking about weddings and true love. THen another part yearns to go to spain and travel so I'm like how will that ever work? I desperately want to know God's plans and if every attractive man I meet is a suitor. It is sickening. Your train of thought definitely has its positives and negatives I guess. But doesn't everything?? lol I love your honesty and I think that God desires to fall more in love with us each and every day. "we shall have no other Gods but him." I want to grow more in love with JUST HAVING HIM and shed the weight of curiosity and this sick marriage bug I have. lol it is so weird even typing it because I still have not gotten used to wanting to get married someday. ew I'm such a girl!!


  6. I like this post because it seems to admit that... well, that you just don't know. You feel the way you feel, & sure, there may be reasons behind it, but for now, it's just how you feel. And it also leaves room for your views to change later, for whatever reasons you may find down the road & whatever experiences you may come across. If you don't want to marry, don't; and if you do, don't let your (past) indifference toward marriage let stand in the way of your admitting that your feelings have changed. Either way, just be happy & smart & healthy in your choices. <3

  7. I'm with ya. My parents have been married for 34 years and really don't even like each other anymore. It's a fucking trap and I don't want or need it. Thank God for the 21st century.

  8. it´s very courageously from you to write this! and i really agree with the girls who wrote all the other comments! when you feel ok without a marriage, then it is ok! i think that it´s better to be happy alone than to be unhappy as a pair!

    and thanks for your comment!! i love your blog, and i´m already following!!

    have a good day!!
    god bless you!!


  9. Bah, i've just wrote an enormous comment and it didn't appear!! Some kind of error..
    The important was that i agree with your words, that those difficult times shape our character, and i hope you find trust in men someday, with the right guy, and also trust in yourself :) The most important is not to get married, although is something me and my boyfriend want, the essential is to have love, friendship and respect, despite want to marry or not :)
    Also, thanks for trusting your feelings here in the blog - i loved the way you expressed your ideas!
    Thank you too, for the kind words, really!

  10. http://savedthrulove.blogspot.com.. you just got tagged Beautiful.. :) love you!

  11. Your complete honesty in your long rambling posts -- which I love by the way, haha :D -- is fantastic. But yes, I think I can definitely understand your reasons behind not wanting to get married. Who knows, perhaps you'll end up meeting a completely amazing guy and end up happily married! But if not, no big deal. In the end, it's your happiness that really matters the most. :)

  12. hey man, different strokes right? People need to just chill out about marriage, not everyone dies to be somebody's wife and that is perfectly okay! I wish more people would understand that!


  13. i agree wit Barbara, we´re all supposed to do the same, and people don´t even think if that´s what they really want...
    i don´t wanna get married either ^-^ i just don´t think i need to sign any papers to be with someone

    thanks for your comment, dear!

    have a lovely day!

  14. It's weird, but I kind of have this too sometimes. I just can't imagine myself married.

    PS: You have a great blog :)

  15. It's strange how past experiences in our life lead us to make large decisions like this, and I can see how yours have shaped your decision.
    The most important thing either way is that you are happy and healthy, and I don't believe marriage is a neccessity, but it's I guess, considered a norm.

    I hate that people question you when you step outside the box. x



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