Wednesday, December 23, 2009

this is her confession to the world

December. She can remember the nights well, lying under sheets of blankets and comforters, crying in beat to the ticking of the clock. The nights when the tears didn’t stop. When she felt as if she were Alice, in a wonderland where she cried a sea. Nights when she couldn’t help but scream out into the night. The nights when her mother would cuddle up next to her, her fingers combing through her hair. “It’s going to be okay,” she promised. The words that meant nothing, but everything at the same time. She’d respond with questions full of sorrow and misery, “Why doesn’t he love me? What did I do? Why I am not good enough? Why did he hurt me?” For a week her mother comforted her, night after night, letting her daughter cry herself to sleep, where she’d often drift into nightmares, horrors that merely mimicked reality.

Yes, December was the month. Three years ago, when her heart shattered. Not like taking scissors to it and gently slicing it down the middle. No. Like a mirror, thrown against a jagged surface, making it impossible to pick up the pieces. Three years and she still doesn’t understand why some pieces are still missing. Perhaps it’s because like all search and rescues, time goes by and one stops looking. Split into so many pieces, hidden in each direction, like horcruxes that seem impossible to find, with little clues few and far between.

But somehow it was the experience that made her the strongest. Not her mother nearly dying. Not her grandma with Alzheimers who lived with her a year and died a summer later. And all the other things she doesn't want to mention. No, a broken heart was the worst of them all. Her King told her, "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." If only she'd known before how true that was. ★

To all readers and commenters:
Thank you so much for each visit and your lovely words.
Have a happy, happy Christmas Eve & Day.
I hope it's truly magical. &
In case someone hasn't told you today, you're beautiful.


  1. thank you for being you.

    happy holidays.

  2. oh, dear.
    this feeling, one i know too well. but at least you have an image of what you had broken; my image, or rather my soul, is so broken by him that I cannot even see what it is, or even what it was before he had done so. this breaking; and moreover, the shatter is a kaleidoscope of feelings and words, isn't it? feels like you can't catch your breath.
    dearest, i do believe i feel this exactly, as we speak.
    it's rather disheartening, isn't it?
    it shall make us stronger.
    it shall make me stronger...
    lovelovelove, your forever friend, olivia

  3. YOU are beautiful. And you have a great future ahead of you.

    Let it be part of the trials which will make you stronger... more capable to face the world. Let it be a positive inspiration for you.

    Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

    Merry Christmas to you and your family. Hugs from Manila!

  4. such a beautiful post dear.

    and i just thought i would let you know that i have now changed my blog name to 'the sea ghost' so i was wondering if you could change the name to my like please (the link is still the same though) thankyou very much, love from suzannah.

    oh, and happy christmas :)

  5. I am in love with the first image.

    However you're feeling, remember that who ever has left you heartbroken isn't the one your supposed to be with. Very soon you will meet someone who will love you to pieces and will treat you right.

    And I think you are beautiful xxx

  6. Beautiful post, that story is very touching..
    Have a wonderful christmas!!


  7. Hello dear! So wonderful to discover your blog. Your writing is quite lovely! xx D

  8. Wow, this was.. an amazing story. I read from the other comments that this is really what happened to you. I just have to say, that you have to be a strong person, if you write about it. Thank you, I really liked this post.

  9. Your words are so moving. I love them all, happy or sad. You are certainly beautiful as well.

    Merry Christmas!

  10. Hey there!

    thankyou for your nice comment and I'm glad to awnser

    I love modeling, but more for it being an art form, and it progressing with what I want to do in the future (my fashion design) I've only had good experiances.

    I think its great that you got scouted! I think You should do it, but you have to be super careful, try going to legitimate agencies first in your area. there are a few boutique agencies too that are great. if they ask for money upfront usually thats how they make their money and you don't get alot of jobs after that. you should make a modelmayhem account and connect with photographers that would be intrested in furthering your portfolio so you can present it to agencies, but if you go to an agency that wants to sign you, they usually do that for you haha. I hope I could of been to some help!

  11. Thank you so much for the wonderful comment on my bloggity blog :)

    The picture is stunning, but nowhere near as stunning in comparison to your words! I can't imagine going through all of that; it must have been insanely tough. You must be such a strong and powerful person!

    Don't forget that you, you and your words, are beautiful too :) Have a wonderful holiday!

  12. How sad. I think that many can relate though.

    I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

  13. thank you all for your kind words!
    i hope you have a most wonderful Christmas!

  14. Wow, sad and beautiful at the same time. I can't say I totally understand it all but your words really moved me. I adore your style of writing.


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